Chapter 1: Bex

Bex felt the water. It filled their nose and filtered into their screaming mouth. Their hair floated around them. They thrashed against the force shoving them in. The priest, Father Hale, had his hand pressed tight amongst their curls. Arms were wrapped around their arms and legs to stop them from moving. They felt strangled, the rosary plunged into the water beside them taunting them. The light sneaking in through the water glinted off of the cross. Father Hale was shouting, his words muffled by the holy water.

“The demon taking control of this child shall be cast out by the word of God! We, as a congregation, will free her from Satan’s clutches! She will shapeshift no more!” He ended his speech, dunking them further into the water before pulling them out.

He released the firm grip he had on their head. It stung. They coughed, water choking them. Some of the older women gasped. They coughed up water, doubling in on themself and trying to suck in air.

“Father… Did it work? She’s choking on the water!” A woman gasped.

“We will see. The demon inside of her is being burned away by our Lord’s holy water. I blessed it myself. She will be perfectly okay in a day’s time. Mr. and Mrs. Anderson, you may take her home now. Allow her to rest. Restrain her if she starts behaving as she did before. I do house calls.”

“Thank you, Father.” Their mother said, a worried smile etched on her face.

That night, they changed again. As they stared at themself in the bathroom mirror, standing on a scuffed pink stool, they changed. Their doll-like brown eyes became slimmer and blue. Their cheeks lost fat, being replaced by angular cheekbones. Their face lengthened. Their hair lost its curl. They were someone else. They’d turned into a woman in the congregation. Her name was Natalie. Bex liked the way her hair looked. So they changed.

“Rebecca? Are you feeling alr-” Their mother opened the bathroom door.

She screamed, seeing the woman standing where her daughter should’ve been. She screamed until their father ran to the bathroom.

“Rebecca! God save us… Satan still has control of her. Mary, we need to do something. Do you still have the holy water Father Hale gave us?”

“Yes… yes… I do.”

“Boil it. We’ll get this demon out of her one way or another.”

Bex turned back into themself as their father grabbed them. His arms were tight against their arms.

They kicked.

“Daddy! Please! I don’t wanna drink it…” They sobbed.

He shushed them with a non-comforting softness, “That’s the demon in you, honey. We’re gonna save you. Mommy and Daddy are gonna make everything better.”

Bex cried, trying to get away without avail. They thrashed and screamed, praying to an unloving god that their parents would come to their senses. As their father dragged them to the kitchen, they decided they didn’t like God very much. He wasn’t saving them. Their mother was standing over a bubbling pot of holy water. She looked nervous and rightened. A ladle was gripped tightly in her hand.

“And you’re sure, James?” She fretted.

“Yes,” He wrenched Bex’s mouth open, slotting his fingers behind their teeth, “This is how we cure her.”

They screamed.

“Quiet, demon!” Their father shouted.

Shakily, their mother scooped up a ladle full of boiling water. The shaking pot bubbled. Steam was filling the air. Bex sobbed. Their mother stood above them, steaming ladle in hand.

“I’m sorry, baby. This is to save you.” She whispered, fanaticism deep in her mind.

She poured. The boiling water burned their tongue first. It felt as if molten lava was being poured down their throat. They couldn’t even scream anymore. The water filled their mouth, singing the inside of their cheeks. They felt the water burn through their esophagus. They wanted to wail, but couldn’t feel much of anything. With tears slipping down their cheeks, they fell into a shock-fueled unconsciousness.

Bex lurched forward, clawing at their chest and neck. Their heart was pounding. They sucked in a breath. They could feel the water still, burning at their throat and sinuses. It’d been a while since they had a nightmare like that. They wondered if their near death experience had anything to do with that.

They didn’t want to be alone. Their eyes drifted to a drawer in their nightstand. They had some remaining relics of their childhood shoved in the back of the drawer. A worn out, child-sized Bible and a small rosary gifted to them by their grandmother. They stared at the drawer without moving.

They’d been forced to read the pages millions of times. They found no comfort in the worn down leather binding. The smell of the pages was triggering. And yet, they found themself wanting to reach for the drawer.

Maybe it was the reminder. The memories of tragedy and pain. Their throat burned. They knew that something with honey would be good to sooth it. But they didn’t want to even look at a liquid. So they sat. They stared. They wondered what their life could’ve been like. Would they be as devout and fanatical as their parents were? Would they hate so freely, as if the Lord’s word wasn’t about love?

They sat. They pondered.

Their eyes turned to their door. They wanted to be with someone. They didn’t know who. It was late, no one would be awake. They didn’t really want to wake anyone up. Bex sighed through their nose.

Maeve would usually be the one they went to, but she was notoriously violent after being awoken.

Not quite wanting to die, they slid out of bed. They put on their comfortable slippers and padded out to the kitchen.

aybe there were still lozenges in the medicine drawer. Despite being superhuman, colds were rampant in the mansion. They usually ran out of lozenges quickly.

Pulling their loose shirt (stolen from the laundry) tighter, they started digging through the drawer.

Tylenol, Advil, various sinus and headache medications, oodles of pain medicine, and allergy medicine were inside. No lozenges. Not even anything for a sore throat. Silently they blamed Morph, the most recent to be sick. They thumped their head on the counter.

“Not feeling well, Bex?” Scott yawned.

They shook their head, still faceplanted on the counter.

“Is it your throat?”

They lifted their head to nod. Scott hummed, opening the drawer back up, as if he’d find something they couldn’t. He sighed and closed the drawer, turning back to them.

“I can make you some tea, if you’d like.”

They panickedly shook their head and made loud noises of dissent.

“Okay, okay. No tea.”

The pieces were clicking in his head.

“Do you want to go outside? I can sit out there with you.”

Bex didn’t know how he could read them so easily. The white linoleum and yellow lights, compared to the darkness of the outside was too similar. They nodded. Scott smiled sadly and led them to the door. He sat on the stoop, patting next to him. They sat. They stared. This time at the stars.

They wondered what God would have done for them. A part of them wanted to pray. The rest of them didn’t. Whatever god was up there didn’t care about them anyway. If it did, they wouldn’t have been born a mutant. They wouldn’t have been forced to drink boiling water. They would’ve had a normal life. Or maybe, they would still be a mutant. But the deity would have made mutants normal.

Made them loved and tolerated.

“I don’t really know what’s going on in that head of yours. But… remember that we’re a family. All of us. You could have woken me up. Jean wouldn’t have minded. She would’ve wanted to help you too.”

Bex looked down at their lap. Their hands played with the hem of their stolen shirt. They were pretty sure it was Gambit’s. One of his full sized shirts. They were trying to distract themself from the guilt brought on by Scott’s words.

“I can see it on your face. You don’t have to feel bad for needing help, Bex. We all do, from time to time.”

They looked over at him. His red sunglasses were balanced on his nose to stop the laser from escaping. They didn’t turn into him often. Using his power was scary. They wondered how scared he got. They wished they could ask.

They looked back down at their lap. Their pajama pants were a size too big. They had a feminine cut.

Bex was pretty sure these were stolen from the dryer too. They could’ve been Rogue’s. Or Calliope’s.

The two sat in silence for a while longer. When Bex started feeling tired, they leaned onto Scott’s shoulder. He put his arm around their shoulders gently.

Bex woke up to cooing sounds. They blinked against the harsh light of the overhead in the living room. They had been deposited on the couch during the night, covered by a thick blanket that was undoubtedly brought in by Storm. Jubilee was the one cooing at them, with a half asleep Roberto standing behind her. Maeve stomped through the living room, barely sparing them a glance. She wasn’t a morning person. Or a night person. Or any time.

“Weh..?” They blinked and sat up.

Jubilee laughed softly, “Are you wearing Gambit’s shirt?”

They looked down. The logo they couldn’t see last night was definitely a casino logo. They nodded.

“That happens.” She shrugged.

“You guys often share clothes?” Roberto asked, his eyebrows stitched together.

“Yeah! Happens when we all do laundry at the same time. And usually, Gambit leaves his clothes in the dryer. We all have something of his somewhere in our rooms. You will too, eventually.”

“Not if all his clothes look like that.” Roberto cringed.

“They’re worse, actually.” Jubilee said.

She turned and pulled Bex off of the couch. She dragged them into the bustling kitchen. Bex was worried that last night would have made it hard to be in there, but luckily, their nightmares were no match for the business of the mansion. Their family.

Gambit was seemingly dressed for the day, in a torn up crop top and jeans.

“See, told you.” Jubilee elbowed Roberto.

He shuddered.

“Definitely not used to this.”

“Ah, nice to see you kids up an’ about! We makin’ breakfast. Well, Gambit’s makin’ breakfast.” He grinned cheekily.
“I’m helping.” Calliope said, a bowl of fruit in her hands.

“Chere, you’ve been puttin’ fruit in that bowl for 15 minutes.”

“I was washing them.” She glared playfully.

He chuckled. Rogue entered the kitchen then, settling in at a barstool. She reached for a strawberry in Calliope’s fruit bowl. Calliope smacked her hand gently.

“Not until everyone’s ready to eat.”

“Boo.” Rogue stuck her tongue out.

“Didn’t know there was a party happening in here!” Jean laughed.

“Calli ain’t lettin’ me eat fruit.” Rogue whined jokingly.

“Poor thing.”

There was a familiar noise behind Bex. They turned around to see Kurt standing there, a wide grin on his blue face.
“Good morning.” He said, looking only at Bex.

They smiled and signed good morning back at him. They’d been learning sign language recently, getting help from Hank to do it. He’d started learning it a few months prior, thinking Bex already knew it but wasn’t using it. That was not the case.

Kurt still struggled with it, but he usually just used context clues.

“How’d you sleep?” He asked.

Jubilee was snickering next to them, but his gaze never strayed. They started moving their hand in a so-so motion before deciding to give a thumbs down.

“Aw, I’m sorry.” He pouted gently, hugging them.

They hugged him back.

“Oh my God, gay people in my kitchen.” Maeve groaned.

“Stop being homophobic, Maeve.” Morph appeared behind her in the doorway.

“Shut up.” She hissed.

“Aren’t you also gay people?” Jubilee pointed.

“Fuck off, Jubilation.”

“Hey! No full names!”

“Your full name is Jubilation?” Roberto turned to her.

She hung her head dramatically. Soon, the kitchen filled with the rest of the X-Men, and they were ready to start eating. Once everyone was seated, Rogue snatched up a strawberry and shoved it in her mouth.

Bex started filling their plate with the bacon and biscuits and gravy that Gambit made. They glanced over at Kurt. He had his head bent and was mouthing to himself with his hands folded together. They watched him pray. They ripped their eyes away from him and looked back at their plate. When they looked back up, they saw Scott staring at them. They went back to their plate.

“Logan, stop eating all the goddamn bacon!” Maeve grumbled, snatching pieces from his plate.

“Get your hands away from my plate. I’ll stab you.”

“No arguing at the breakfast table.” Magneto shook his head.

A few minutes passed. There was gentle conversation and chewing sounds at the table. Bex hadn’t touched their food. Suddenly, they weren’t hungry at all. They felt nauseous and teary-eyed. They stood abruptly and took off.

They locked the door to their room, sliding against the wall. What was wrong with them? Their throat ached. They wished they could scream. They wanted to cry out like everyone else got to. Why did they have to be different even from the other mutants?

They were embarrassed by their outburst. More guilt added on to the guilt that was already inside of them. They hadn’t even touched the food Gambit made.

They cried. They cried for them. They cried for the girl lost to time and boiling water. They cried for wasted food and embarrassing outbursts. They cried for the God they used to believe in. They cried.

Tears flowed freely yet silently.

They didn’t know how long they sat on the ground. Their back began to ache. They stood up on shaky legs and crawled into bed. They had a Danger Room session scheduled today. They weren’t going to make it.

An hour later, someone knocked on the door. They didn’t make a sound. Their door opened anyway.

“They wouldn’t let me come talk to you, ‘cause they’re giant babies. You okay?” Maeve sat on their bed.

They were curled up in a ball, snug underneath a comforter.

“Dumb question. What… uh, what happened?”

They stuck their hand out of the blanket ball. Maeve put their notebook and pen in their hand. They retracted back into the blankets. Debating what exactly to say, they scribbled an honest explanation of what happened.

“You had a nightmare about your parents and then seeing Kurt praying reminded you of it?”

They stuck out a thumbs up.

“I don’t think I’m qualified for this. Wanna go punch shit?”

Out came the thumbs up again.

“Great!” Maeve pulled the blankets off of Bex.

They quickly changed into workout clothes and made their way to the gym with Maeve. Logan was already in there, using one of the machines.

“You’re supposed to have a spotter, old man.” Maeve called.

Logan didn’t respond, just flicked her off. She cackled. Bex smiled softly. Maeve readied the punching bag and nodded at Bex to start punching. They fixed their stance. Their fists were hitting repeatedly. It felt good. They pictured the faces of those who hurt them. Their father, their mother, Father Hale, the dean of their old school. Anyone who made their life a living hell in the name of God. They punched harder.

“Ookay, I think we’re don-” Maeve choked as Bex’s punches hit her instead.

Bex startled, throwing up their hands. They signed ‘sorry’ repeatedly.

“It’s fine, it’s fine. Good form. Pay attention next time.”

They nodded, shrinking in on themself.

“Hold it for me now.”

After a semi-awkward dinner, Bex was back in bed. Guilt gnawed at their stomach, ruining the Chinese takeout that Jean had gone out for. They felt horrible. They barely looked at Kurt all evening, for something that wasn’t even his fault. It was their stupid brain. They figured that out of everyone, it would be them who would ruin a budding relationship with a boy they hadn’t even kissed yet all because of a nightmare. They tossed onto their back. They stared up at the ceiling.

It was popcorned. They didn’t want to be themself. Bex wasn’t really a huge fan of themselves at the moment. They sighed. Against their will, their eyes were slipping closed. They fell asleep.

They sat in a classroom. A large crucifix stared down at them from where it was fixed to the wall.

They stared back at it. They could almost feel the words. Abomination. Curse. Demon.

It was so hard to hide who they were at Saint Mary’s. It was a slightly co-ed boarding school, mostly being girls. And whatever Bex was. Even then, they weren’t really sure they fit in the girl category.

Their 14th birthday had happened two weeks earlier to the memory. The bell rang, a hymn playing over the speakers. They collecting their things and started walking back to the dorms.

“Hey, look! It’s the freak again. Freaky Becky! Where do you think you’re going?”

Their shoulders stiffened and they walked faster. They knew the voice belonged to a girl in their hall.

Her name was Emily. Emily and her friends were horrifically mean to Bex. They called them names and even got physical.

“Cat got your tongue?” She taunted.

She knew they couldn’t speak. Everyone did. The other students didn’t seem to care. Emily raced to be beside them, her shining Mary Jane’s slapping the concrete.

“Did you even brush your hair this morning?” She sneered, grabbing a fistful of their hair.

Bex shied away, trying to pull themself out of her grip.

“Come on, Freaky Becky, it’s really not that hard. I know your hands are all messed up because of your weird skin, but you should be able to hold a brush, right?”

“Yeah.” One of her friends giggled.

Emily let go of their hair. Instead, she went for the cross around their neck.

“I don’t know why you think God would love you . You’re a freak! God wouldn’t love an abomination like you. It’d be like him loving Satan.”

Bex’s cheeks were burning with shame. Emily wrapped her hand around the chain.

“You don’t deserve to wear it.” She tore it from their neck.

The force made them drop their books. Anger rose like acid in their throat. They couldn’t scream at her, couldn’t fight back. They felt their limbs change. Their teeth grew longer. They were suddenly on four paws, roaring at Emily and her stupid friends.

“What?!” One of them screamed before running away.

Bex, in the form of a lion, stalked towards Emily. They were growling.

“I knew it… I knew there was something wrong with you! Freaky Becky is a demon!” She shouted.

Their weak power faded. They were back to themselves, slumped on the concrete.

Word spread fast. Soon, the entire school knew what a monster they were. That they really were an abomination to God. The dean expelled them immediately. He called their parents, explaining that Saint Mary’s didn’t allow devil spawn to reside on campus.

They waited outside the school with a bag next to their feet for hours. Nobody came. They’d been abandoned. When it started to turn to dusk, they picked up their bag and began walking. They didn’t care where they ended up. All they had was their uniform. They walked in uncomfortable shoes and scratchy clothes until they couldn’t walk anymore. They laid down on a shaded bench, their bag tucked underneath them. When they woke up, their bag was gone. They dug their face into their hands and sat that way for a little while. When they decided to start walking again, they noticed their bag crumpled under a tree. Inside of it was just their Bible, rosary, and hygiene set. All of their clothes and money had been stolen. Not wanting to think about why the clothes were taken, they walked.

They ditched their shoes at one point, walking only in their white socks. A car pulled up next to them.

A young man with red sunglasses rolled down the window.

“Are you okay?” He asked.

Bex nodded instinctively.

“Are you sure? Do you want me to take you to the police?”

They shook their head rapidly, backing up into the grass.

“A runaway?”

They pondered for a moment and then shook their head.

“I feel bad just leaving you walking here alone. My name’s Scott, what’s yours?”

They blinked at him for a moment. They made their arms into an X and then pointed to their throat.

“You can’t talk?”

They nodded.

“Well now I feel even worse leaving you walking on the side of the road. I can give you a ride back to town, if you’d like.”

They shook their head. At that moment, perhaps it was fate, they dropped to the ground. Their head spun and they felt their body shifting. Scott was out of his car and was kneeling at their side. When they came to, they were someone else. They shied away from Scott, fearing the worst.

“Hey, hey. Don’t worry. I know someone like you. They can turn into other people too. I’m like you too. Well, in a way. I don’t shapeshift, but I shoot lasers from my eyes.”

Bex stared at him with a disbelieving expression.

“Do you want a demonstration?”

They nodded. They felt blasphemous. He took his sunglasses off and when he opened his eyes, red laser beams shot from them. He closed them as quickly as he opened them, sliding his sunglasses back on. Bex stared at him, ewildered. The tree he hit was now carved deeply with two equal sized holes.

“Now do you believe me?”

They nodded. They turned back into themself.

“I can take you to a place with a lot of people like you. Would you like that?”

They nodded again. He smiled and helped them up. He walked them over to the passenger’s side and opened up the door. They sat inside, buckling up.

When they stopped in front of a giant school, Bex screwed up their mouth. Clearly, they didn’t have a good experience with schools.

“This is a place for people like us. For mutants.”

Bex made a questioning noise and looked at him.

“Those of us who are evolved past regular humans. Mutants. Your shapeshifting is your mutation.”

He chuckled a bit, “Morph’s gonna be happy to meet you. Oh, and there’s a girl your age, but she’s kind of mean. My advice? Watch out for Maeve.”

Bex woke up. The dream wasn’t horrible, like the one from last night. But it still left them with a bad feeling in the pit of their stomach. Anytime they thought about Emily or Saint Mary’s, they hated themselves. A demon. A monster. An unloved creation.

They got up. They didn’t want to lay in bed anymore. So they walked. They walked out of the door.

It didn’t take long to find a tree to sit under. The dirt was soft and the moon was bright. They stared.

Jubilee burst into the kitchen in a panic. Kurt looked over from where he was blowing on a cup of tea. He was wondering when Bex would come down, since he wanted to see them. And talk to them about dinner last night. He’d been up half the night wondering what he did wrong.

“What’s wrong, Jubes?” Morph asked.

“Bex is gone! I’ve searched, like, the whole house!”

“What?” Scott stood.

Kurt set his mug down. Maeve stood up and knocked her chair over in her haste.

“Does their room look like there was any sort of struggle?” Storm questioned.

“No. It looks totally normal. Like… they just got up and left.”

Runaways weren’t uncommon for the school. But Bex running away was a new one. Unease wormed it’s way into Kurt’s chest. Why did they leave?

“Alright, everyone’s gonna separate and search. Gambit, head upstairs and look in all the rooms.

Check everywhere. Maeve, check around downstairs. Look in any place you’d think they would hide in. Calli, Kurt, Storm, and Jubilee, head outside and search the grounds. I’ll be searching the basement with Jean and Hank.”

“Wait, what about me?” Morph piped up.

“You stay here in case they show up.”

They saluted.

Kurt was searching high and low. Any animal he came across, he would bother, wondering if it was Bex. So far, none of them were. He teleported himself to the top of a tree, searching around. He could see Calliope floating close to the ground. He looked around, noticing a slippered foot poking out from underneath a treetop. His eyes flashed and he teleported to the ground. He ran towards them, dropping to the ground next to them. They were asleep, propped up against the tree. Their legs were crossed and their hands were set on their stomach. Kurt wondered how they ended up out there. And why.

He shook them awake. They startled, pushing out a hand that looked suspiciously like Maeve’s.

When they saw that it was Kurt, they softened.

“Hey… everyone’s worried about you, liebling. What are you doing out here? Nightmare?”

They nodded.

“You… you could’ve come to me.”

They looked down at their lap, a nervous habit, and shook their head. His heart broke a little.

“Why? Did I do something?”

They shook their head and flapped their hands in a panic.

“Then what is it? Why can’t you come to me?”

They made an upset sound, shaking their hands around. Kurt realized belatedly that he wasn’t helping. He was making whatever was going on in Bex’s brain worse.

“I… I won’t ask anymore. But please, tell me when you’re ready. I’m here for you, bärchen.”

Bex reached over and grabbed his hand. He smiled softly at them. They signed ‘thank you’.

“Gerne.”

He helped them to their feet, silently checking them over to make sure they weren’t injured. He cared about them so much. He wanted to make whatever was going on with them better. He wanted them to feel better and to not hurt anymore. He understood pain. He didn’t want Bex to feel it any longer.

They walked back to the house hand-in-hand.

Scott scolded Bex for disappearing when they returned, but told them that he was worried in the same breath. Logan cracked a comment about him being a softy, starting up a bickering match.

Kurt looked over to see Bex smiling to themself. Things would be okay. He was sure of it.