Chapter 5

I slip on a new white dress.

Jess is already wearing hers. It flows past her ankles and bunches around her wrist. She looks like an angel as the breeze from the sea whips around her. Her eyes are full of hope and wonder on what’s beyond that thin line.

I put my arms in the sleeves. My curly hair is down and my skin is smooth, glowing. My feet are bare and wiggling in the sand. My chest is heaving up and down. I close my eyes to calm my nerves. This really is the end then.

“You ready?” Jess asks.

“I think so,” I reply.

Our eyes drift at the ocean before us as we step closer. We stride toward it hand in hand. Jess has a wide smile on her face. She quickens her pace as we reach the water. Cold water splashes on the tops of my feet.

“The librarian told me that you should think about the life you want,” Jess says as we take our first step.

“The librarian?”

We walk one foot in front of the other into the ocean. It’s cold but we carry on talking with our faces tense. The wind whips from behind beckoning us forward.

“Yeah, that librarian at that burned down library on Token Street,”

“Ah, yeah. That librarian,” I say noticing the water coming up to my knees.

“Yeah, he said you should think about the life you want. Like, in detail.”

“What is the life you want?” I ask, the water circling my waist.

“Well, I was thinking long and hard about it,” she says “I think I want a flower shop and a bakery. I want kids and I want to marry a super hot young stud with abs for days.”

I snort. “Abs for days?”

“Yes, do you think Christian Grey is in heaven?”

I laugh tilting my head up to keep breathing. “No, I don’t think so. Well, maybe. I don’t know.”

“Well, I hope he is. I deserve it. Also, that guy from 365 Days. Mmm, that man is fine,”

“My god, Jess!”

“What? There aren’t any problematic men in heaven and if they are mommy will tame them,” Jess says, laughing.

“That’s so messed up! We’re literally trying to get into heaven,”

She points at me. “Hey, look. You aren’t nervous anymore!”

Darn it, she did it again. The tense spots in the back of my neck and the crooks of my knees are gone. Even as the water begins to fill my ears and border my extended chin, I feel at ease. 

“Just think about the life you want!” Jess manages to say seconds before going under.

Think about the life I want. The life I want?

The waves wash above the crown of my head. My hair sways with the gentle ocean current. Even as my heart races, I am able to smile. The thought that keeps me calm and accepting is the unlikely wish that the life that was taken from me is just beyond the horizon. The life where Jason and I get married. The life where we have a mundane gender reveal in my parents’ backyard. A life where I become a little too enthusiastic kindergarten teacher. The life I deserve is what I keep repeating in my head like a broken record. I wait and wait with a heart full of a fool’s hope. I hold my breath but that life never comes.

Jess’s hand slips out of mine as my feet lift off of the ocean floor. I open my eyes and I barely see her. The borders of her skin fizzes and she dissolves into the water. Her limbs disappear beginning from her chubby toes and ending at the tips of her red hair. She reaches for me but her last expression is one of pure bliss before she turns into sea foam.
My Jess is no longer here.

I close my eyes and again think about the life I want with more desperation each time. I stay down here with my tears swirling with the water thinking about a life where I am still alive. Again, that life never comes.

Fortunately, the ocean floor isn’t that far below. I wave my arms down causing me to sink. I dig my feet into the sand popping up. I break through the surface taking a breath I didn’t need before plummeting below again. I keep on hopping like this until I can stand on my own two feet.

With my face out of the water, hot tears of anger stream down my face. I finally want to go and I can’t? What kind of sick joke is this? What’s going on?

Every time I go to this beach, there are at least three dozen ghost walking into the sea every day and I watch them. None of them come back. Three years I’ve been dead and I never seen a ghost come back. So, what’s wrong with me?
I finally reach the shore and lay on the sand to catch my breath from the strenuous activity. I am going to move on. I will not stay here. I refuse. What can I do?

I wipe my nose with my sleeve.

Is Jessica where she wants to be?

My anger calms down thinking of her. She deserves to move on to a happier life. Is she being pampered by some morally questionable CEO in her flower shop? I hope she is. I pray she is.

Well, this is just another step ain’t it? Another infuriating step to move on. Fine. Now, what is the next step? My mind wanders my eyes locked on the blue sky above me.

Yeah, that librarian at that burned down library on Token Street.

Isn’t that what Jessica said? Everything she told me she got from that librarian. Perhaps, that librarian would know what to do. Jess is still guiding me to where I need to go even though she passed on.

I decide that I don’t want to move on to a place where she isn’t there. Jessica is added to my list of details of the life I want to live.

The life I am determined to have.

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